Happily Incompatible

(Originally posted September 17, 2007 on In Other Words.)

A sweet new friend from church asked recently how Gana and I met. After hearing the short version, she asked, “And you guys just match? You fit each other so well?”

At the time I answered, “Well, it’s not without its challenges, especially in a cross-cultural relationship. But, yes, we match.”

Then I got to thinking about it later. I don’t think I told the truth. We don’t match.

I like healthy vegetarian fare. He likes meat and if it ain’t fried, it ain’t food.

I love to try new and different foods. “Look, I found a new recipe for seaweed!” Gana would eat the same three meals on steady rotation….buuz, fried chicken, fried cabbage and sausage.

I like girly, warm fuzzy romantic comedies—basic chick-flick. He likes a movie with a healthy dose of violence, death and car chases.

I’d like to spend a vacation at a bed and breakfast by the beach. Two years ago on our anniversary he took me to a water-theme park.

I pray loudly and dramatically, castin’ out stuff, dancing like an undignified nut. He’s very contemplative and when he speaks it’s profound and carries authority without artificially asserting it.

To relax, I write in my journal or on this blog. Gana writes when it is assigned by a professor and carries a deadline.

I detest shopping. I go into the store, find what I need and get out as quickly as possible. Gana spends hours and days micro-comparing details, price and quality of every purchase.

Neither of us ever suffer buyer's remorse. Gana because he chose so perfectly. Me because I really don’t care.

I get where I’m going early, sometimes so early it’s awkward. Gana is getting in the shower at 10:40 and church starts at 11.

As for art, Gana likes Ansel Adams. I like Monet.

You can always tell who drove the van last by what comes through the stereo when you turn the car on. Bee Gees = Gana. AM Talk Radio = Daja.

I'm an unschooler, heavy on learning through experiences. He's more of a classic educator, heavy on learning through academics.

I’ve been the goodie-goodie most of my life. He’s been the wild child.

I think that Gana and I are what Billy and Ruth Graham called “happily incompatible.” Can such opposites co-exist and even enjoy life together? YES! And sometimes such opposites can irritate the living daylights out of each other and they start quarrelling over the variety of apples purchased at the Farmer’s Market.

Billy Graham said:

Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. We learned that even before we married. The unblemished ideal exists only in “happily ever after” fairy tales. I think that there is some merit to a description I once read of a married couple as “happily incompatible.” Ruth likes to say, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.” The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness.

And I think I’m finally--finally--after 7 years of matrimony learning that this is OK. I’m an emotional one and when we have a spat the enemy of marriage--the devil--tries to lie to me: “He doesn’t love you anymore!” I know it’s a lie. He does love me. He just wanted Red Delicious and not Fuji. Message received.

I’m finally learning to not try to remake the man I married and to let him be who he is. I’m learning that marriage isn’t really a fifties sitcom (although, wouldn’t it be great to vacuum in heels and pearls?). Marriage is vastly more interesting than that, especially when married to someone who is different from me. It’s challenging and exciting and crazy and romantic and surprising....and so....DAILY.

Marriage means having someone to run to when I need a good cry. It means having someone to run my hair-brained ideas by before I expose them to the world. It means someone who makes fun of me and someone I can make fun of. Marriage means I have a man whose vision I have pledged to support. I am a help-meet to someone who needs my help—just maybe not in the way I thought he did. Marriage means someone who begins and ends each day with me—someone who is a living witness to my life and my journey with God.

Gana is my secret keeper. And I am his.

Sometimes two opposites are perfect for each other. They are counter-balances. Gana and I are two extremes. Together we make a happy moderate.